Even if I Wanted to A Wolfstar Fic
by siriuslyslyth
Summary: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, during their time at Hogwarts. Romance. Angst. Wolfstar. Some slash. Please let me know what you think.


Sirius remembered the first time he had laid eyes on Remus, in their first year. They had been standing with the other first years in the Entrance Hall, awaiting the Sorting ceremony. He had been standing next to James, surveying the crowd, when he first saw him. He was a pale boy, with dark circles under his eyes, and secondhand robes. He looked tired, but he had a kind face. He was more subdued than the others around him, but his tired eyes were alight with the same excitement that was in all of them.

James said something, and Sirius pulled his gaze from the boy. "Hmm?" he asked. "I said, that red-haired girl from the train. Annoying, wasn't she? I hope she isn't in Gryffindor," James watched Sirius's reaction closely. His mind elsewhere, Sirius just nodded.

But Lily Evans was in Gryffindor, and so, much to Sirius's secret delight, was the boy from the Entrance Hall. Remus Lupin, he was called. During the feast, as James and Sirius talked boisterously, his eyes wandered again to Remus, but this time, Remus was looking back at him. Their eyes locked for a moment, then Remus looked away. Was that a bit of color in his pale cheeks?

James and Sirius almost immediately became best friends. They were loud, and clever, and alike in many ways, and their popularity grew quickly. In contrast, Remus Lupin turned out to be clever, but shy and quiet. Age placed him at eleven, but his weary eyes told quite a different story. Teachers adored him, and Sirius was intrigued by him.

Halfway through their first week, in their second ever Potions lesson, Remus was sitting alone in the front of the classroom when James and Sirius walked in. James went and sat down at an empty table in the middle of the room. Sirius, however, walked boldly up to Remus, feigning confidence he didn't really have, and said, "Hi. I'm Sirius." Stupid introduction, really, seeing as they shared a dormitory. Remus looked down and mumbled, "Remus." "D'you want to sit with us?" Sirius asked. Remus mumbled something, but Sirius didn't hear it. "Come on. We don't bite," Sirius teased gently. Remus gathered his books and cauldron and walked with Sirius and sat down by James. A boy named Peter from their House ambled over, but no one paid much attention.

From then on, the four boys were close friends, rarely spending any time apart. James and Sirius were the ringleaders, loud and quite arrogant with a love for mischief, Remus was the quiet one, the voice of reason, and Peter tagged along. Remus wasn't as bold or as loud as James and Sirius, but he kept them grounded, in his way. James and Sirius picked on Snape, the boy from the train, and Remus chastised them quietly. James and Sirius put their antics ahead of their work, and Remus kept them on track. He tried to make them think a little more, and Sirius thought that he succeeded. But a lot of times, he would also join their antics just the same, provided they weren't too out there. Peter, on the other hand, followed James and Sirius without question, seemingly delighted just to be in their presence.

A couple of weeks into term, Sirius woke to find Remus absent from their dormitory. He must have gone down to breakfast early. But Remus wasn't in the Great Hall, nor their first lesson, or any of the others. Sirius asked Professor McGonagall, "Professor? Where's Remus? Has he gone to the hospital wing?" he asked. He thought he saw a slight frown crease McGonagall's forehead, but her face quickly became impassive once more. "He is indisposed. Now kindly take out your homework."

His absences continued regularly throughout their first and second years. James was concerned too, but he didn't pay attention to Remus the way Sirius did. Sirius was the one to figure it out…Remus was a werewolf. They were supposed to be dark and dangerous creatures, which most people loathed and feared. But it was compassion that flooded through Sirius. How strong Remus was, to deal with this in silence and solitude. When he told James, they set to work brainstorming. Sirius was so relieved James was with him on this. How could they help Remus? They couldn't cure him, maybe they could keep him company? Not as humans, maybe Remus would bite them? They weren't crazy about the idea. Peter almost fainted at this. But then James thought of a better idea. "Didn't McGonagall mention Animagi? We could do that," he said. Peter squeaked, "It's supposed to be really difficult. A lot could go wrong." James and Sirius rolled their eyes.

It took them three years to figure out how to do it. Sirius's fondness for Remus grew, and unless he was delusional, Remus was affected by his presence, as well. It was there, in the way their eyes locked, in the way Remus hung on every word he said, in the way Remus's forehead creased and his jaw tightened whenever Sirius talked to a girl. He had to do something. He had to know for sure. In their fourth year, James and Peter left the dormitory under James's cloak to nick food from the kitchens. Sirius hung back this time. "You sure, mate?" James asked. "Yeah. Bring me back something good," Sirius told him.

When they were gone, Sirius watched Remus for a bit, as Remus gazed out the window, apparently lost in thought. Sirius counted back in his head. It was only one more night before the next full moon. Surely he shouldn't trouble him now? But it had been so long, and who knew when they would have a moment alone again?

Sirius made up his mind. He got up, crossed the room, and leaned in close to Remus. Remus's breath caught at Sirius's proximity, as he looked at him, and then down at his feet. Sirius placed a finger under Remus's chin and tilted it upwards, and he gazed steadily into Remus's eyes. Reaching up with his other hand, he smoothed out the crease in Remus's forehead. Remus stood stock still. Sirius let his hand slide, tracing Remus's jaw, down to his collarbone. Remus gazed up at Sirius, who was slightly taller than him. They leaned in toward each other, pulled as if by gravity, but Remus stopped and whispered hoarsely, "Don't, Sirius." Sirius leaned back, his eyes wide with hurt, unable to form words.

"You don't…? I thought…did I imagine…," Sirius stammered when he found his voice again, stung with rejection. Remus put a hand on Sirius's arm, but Sirius threw it off. He took a step back from Remus, gazing at him with wide eyes. "Sirius…," Remus said, a pleading note in his voice. "No," Sirius said. He was overwhelmed with embarrassment, hurt, shame…and anger. "I'm no good for you…," Remus said, so quietly, Sirius wasn't sure if he had even spoken. He had to get out of here, away from Remus. He fled the dormitory, ignoring Remus's calls.

The Gryffindor common room was empty. Knowing that Remus would not follow him, Sirius sank into an armchair by the fire. For the first time in his memory, tears were running down Sirius's face. He leaned forward, his face in his hands. He was angry, hurt, and confused. It wasn't until now, in the face of his rejection, that Sirius realized how deep his feelings for Remus ran. He loved him. Unrequited love. Remus didn't want him. Fine. He didn't know how long he stayed there. But when he rose from the armchair, it was with the resolve that he was going to let Remus go.

The curtains were drawn on Remus's four-poster when Sirius got back to the dormitory. He quickly dressed in his nightclothes and climbed into bed. He lay awake for a long while that night. When James and Peter came back in, laden with food, he feigned sleep, not wanting to talk to anybody.

Remus was absent from lessons for the next two days, as it was the full moon. When he came back, he found Sirius talking to Rosie Hunter between lessons. She was leaning with her back against a wall, her eyes dancing with excitement and happiness as she looked up, blushing, at Sirius, who was leaning over her, supporting his weight with one arm on the wall over her head. He said something and she laughed, a little too loudly. Sirius grinned, tossed his hair out of his eyes, and pressed his lips to hers. Remus turned away.

Sirius was noticeably cooler toward Remus. He spoke to him politely, almost formally, denying Remus's hushed requests to talk to him alone. He had several girlfriends in the following months, but he got bored with them quickly, and none of them lasted very long. Sirius and James stayed out more than ever, exploring the castle, the grounds, and landed themselves in detention even more than usual, and, though Remus did not know it, studying hard on how to become Animagi. He even wondered once or twice if something more was going on between them, as, for the millionth time, they stopped talking and leaned away from each other as he walked in the room. Were they…?

A year and a few months later, in their fifth year, James, Sirius, and Peter had figured it out. They had all learned to transform successfully, Peter with lots of help from James and Sirius. Excitedly, they sought Remus out. He was up in the dormitory reading. When they broke the news to them, Remus was horrified. "How…how did you find out?" he asked, in a strained voice. James grinned, and ran a hand through his own hair, tousling it. "How could we miss it, mate? You're absent every month at the full moon. You insult our intelligence," he laughed. James and Sirius told him their solution. Remus's eyes widened. "That's against the law! Please tell me you haven't-," but he fell silent with horror, -and dare he acknowledge it?- hope, as his three best friends disappeared, leaving in their place a large black dog, a stag, and a rat.

Remus was overwhelmed with disapproval, and gratitude. They all changed back, and were discussing nicknames. Eventually, James and Peter wandered off, not long after, to go explore the castle. Sirius wanted to go, but he had a lot of homework, and he had left it a bit late. He didn't talk to Remus. Remus broke the silence after a long while. "You guys shouldn't have done it. You could be arrested if anyone finds out, and I might kill one of you one day. How could I ever live with that? To change back, and find that one of you is dead by my hand. Or claw, rather," Remus said quietly, a crease appearing in his forehead.

Sirius did not look up or answer him. He shrugged noncommittally, closed his Transfiguration book, and stood up, stretched, and bent over his trunk to get out his Charms book. He felt a hand on his wrist, and he was pulled into a standing position. Sirius turned slowly to face Remus, his eyes guarded, his face impassive, as he surveyed him coolly. "No offense, mate, but I've got a lot of-." Remus cut him off. "Come somewhere and talk with me," he said. Sirius frowned. "Maybe you didn't hear me. I have work to do." "Come, Sirius. It wasn't a request," Remus said firmly, his eyes hard.

Perhaps it was shock at Remus's insistence, or just Sirius's weakness for the boy, that caused him to follow Remus out, across the grounds. They stopped in front of the Whomping Willow. Sirius scowled, sure now, that this was a joke in poor taste. "What are we doing here?" he asked, annoyed. He watched as Remus took out his wand, and pointed at a stick on the ground. It rose into the air and pressed against the base of the Willow's trunk. The violent branches stood still.

Remus glanced over his shoulder, and then said, "Come on." He kept his wand pointed at the base of the trunk, and led the way forward into a tunnel. When they were inside, they could hear the swishing of the branches once more. Sirius followed him, confused, down a long tunnel, up into a house he didn't recognize, then upstairs into a room.

"Where are we?" Sirius asked, looking around at the room, a bedroom, which had ruined furniture. "The Shrieking Shack. I wanted to talk to you without interruption," Remus told him. And before Sirius had time to respond, Remus had closed the distance between them and his lips were on Sirius's.

Sirius tensed for a moment, and then returned the kiss, a soft moan of longing, and a little confusion, escaping his lips. Remus's arms wrapped around Sirius's neck, and Sirius held him around the waist, pulling him closer. No, no, this was wrong. Remus didn't want him, he had proved that. He wasn't going to go here again, and get hurt. With a great personal effort, Sirius brought his hands up to Remus's chest, and pushed him away. "No. I can't," Sirius told him.

Remus made a distressed sound in the back of his throat. "It's James, isn't it?" he said, quietly, looking down. Sirius's brow furrowed as he tossed his hair out of his eyes. Then he realized what Remus meant. He let out a bark-like laugh. Remus's lips pursed. "I hardly think it's funny. I've seen the way you two are together. I see how you guys look at each other," he said stiffly.

Sirius shook his head, still laughing. "You're brilliant, Remus, but you're way off with this one. If you'd been paying attention properly, you'd know that James is mad for Lily Evans," he said, "and you'd know that, for me, it's only ever been you. But you don't want me." He stopped laughing as he spoke the last sentence, and looked away. Remus took Sirius's handsome face in both his hands, and turned it, making Sirius looking at him, and gazed into his eyes. "I love you," Remus whispered, and, he leaned in slowly, gauging Sirius's reaction, and pressed his lips to Sirius's once more.

Relenting, Sirius kissed him back hungrily, pushing him up against the wall, his breathing rough. He slid Remus's robes off him, and they pooled on the ground at their feet. He then pulled Remus's school sweater over his head, and tossed it down beside them. Remus broke their kiss, as he pulled off Sirius's robes next, with hands that shook slightly, but then, surprising them both in a moment of boldness, he seized Sirius's Gryffindor necktie and pulled him forward, kissing him again, and Remus's tongue found Sirius's. Then he pulled the sweater roughly over Sirius's head and cast it down.

Sirius pulled Remus up into his strong arms, and Remus wrapped his legs around Sirius's waist. Sirius felt how hard Remus was; his erection was against Sirius's stomach. Sirius stumbled backwards, still kissing him. The backs of his knees finally hit the bed and Sirius turned and laid Remus down on it.

Remus pulled him down with him, and then he rolled so he was on top of Sirius instead. He kissed along Sirius's jaw, and then his teeth grazed Sirius's neck, and Sirius moaned, thrusting his hips upward into Remus. Remus kissed and licked down Sirius's muscular body, until he reached his waistline. He yanked open the button on Sirius's pants and pulled them off. He rubbed Sirius's erection through his boxers, and Sirius moaned again, sending shivers of lust through Remus's body.

He continued to rub Sirius gently, watching his expression. "Oh, fuck, Remus…please…," Sirius panted. Remus slid Sirius's boxers down to his ankles, and Sirius kicked them off. Remus trailed his hands up the insides of Sirius's thighs, and then he licked one hand and slid it up and down Sirius's length, and Sirius moaned louder. Remus rubbed the head of Sirius's erection, again, and again, then up and down his shaft, until Sirius gripped the sheets, as he came, hard on Remus's hand. Remus licked the cum off his hand slowly, and a tremor rocked through Sirius.

He sat up, and kissed Remus hard, his hand gripping the back of his hair, and then he pushed Remus down onto the mattress and ripped his pants and boxers off. With no preamble, Sirius gripped the base of Remus's hard dick and started to lick up and down the sides of it. With the other hand, he cupped Remus's balls, and he slid his mouth onto the tip of Remus's dick, and sucked, hard. Remus threw his head back and moaned. Sirius kept sucking, trying to take the whole of Remus's length in his mouth. As he came up, he swirled his tongue around his tip, then kept sucking up and down his shaft. Remus groaned, "Oh, Sirius…oh God, I'm gonna cum.." and pushed Sirius's head down so slid his mouth all the way down to the base, while thrusting his hips forward as he came. Then he released Sirius's head and Sirius, swallowing, crawled up to lay by him and Remus laid across his chest, panting.

For a few minutes, neither of them spoke. They just laid there as their breathing went back to normal. Remus looked up at Sirius, his chin on his chest. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he sighed. Sirius nodded glumly. "People will talk," he said, frowning slightly and nodding. Remus laid his head back down. "So what do we do?" he asked Sirius. Sirius's arms tightened around him. "We could do it anyway, and fuck what everyone thinks," he said. Remus propped himself up on his elbow and looked at Sirius in alarm. "You're kidding, right?" he said. "Not at all," Sirius frowned. "Sirius, we can't. It'll destroy both our reputations. I can't face that. I'm not as brave as you," he said imploringly. Sirius's face had become closed off. "Fine," he said shortly, sitting up. "I didn't mean it like that. I just mean, for now maybe we should keep this between us," Remus said, a small note of pleading in his voice. "I said, fine," Sirius said, his eyes flashing dangerously.

He couldn't believe that this moment was being ruined because of what other people would think. What did they matter? How long had he been dreaming about this? Five minutes ago, he had been so happy. Now his mood was ruined because of what everyone else would think and feel. Brilliant. He swung his legs off the bed and started pulling on his clothes. Remus got up and started to dress, too, more slowly. Sirius flung his sweater at him without looking at him.

Remus caught it, then came up and hugged Sirius around the waist from behind. Sirius tensed, scowling. Remus kissed his shoulder. "Hey…I love you," he said softly. Sirius sighed and put his hands on top of Remus's. "Love you, too."

Having to keep their relationship a secret put a strain on it. Sirius wanted to walk down the corridors with Remus on his arm. He wanted to kiss him in public. He wanted everyone to know that Remus was his, and he was Remus's. Wasn't that how it was supposed to be, when you found someone and fell in love? But Remus was scared. "They'll call us names, Sirius." "They'll never look at us the same, Sirius." It was grating on Sirius's nerves. Why was Remus ashamed of him?

A few weeks on from their meeting in the Shrieking Shack, Sirius was to be found grinning and talking closely to a Ravenclaw fourth year. She was blushing and giggling; Sirius usually elicited this reaction from women. He was looking down at her, leaning closer, when Remus appeared. "Well, this is cozy," he said in a biting tone, his eyes blazing with fury. "You'll have to excuse us," Remus snapped at the girl, who looked affronted. He grabbed Sirius's arm and dragged him into an empty classroom. Shutting the door behind them, he rounded on Sirius. "What the fuck was that?" he thundered at Sirius, who was leaning against a desk. "Quite a rude interruption, if you ask me," Sirius said mildly. "You're with me!" Remus snarled. "I wasn't aware that we were exclusive," Sirius shrugged, secretly glad that Remus was ruffled (it was, of course, mostly why he had done it in the first place), "and she really was quite pretty." "I wasn't aware that she was your type," Remus said acidly. "Oh no, apparently, my type is closet gays who are ashamed of who they are and who they claim to love. Only, I'm starting to think that isn't my type at all, funny enough," Sirius said, anger coming to his defense now. All the color drained from Remus's face. "What are you saying?" he whispered. Sirius turned away from the look on his face. "That I'm confused," he said. "No, no, no you're not. You're not confused, you love me," Remus said desperately, rushing forward to kiss Sirius, but Sirius turned his head. "I've always loved you. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. But I don't want this," he gestured to himself and Remus, "not this way, not under these circumstances." He unhooked Remus's hands from the front of his robes, and left him there alone.

Their fight in the empty classroom left Sirius feeling hollow and miserable, but he knew he had done the right thing. He and Remus barely spoke over the next few weeks. They avoided even brushing hands when working in potions or sitting in the Great Hall. The rest of the school was pumped up about the Quidditch championship coming up, between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw.

Gryffindor flattened Ravenclaw. In the common room they threw a massive celebration party. Sirius was talking to Peter, firewhiskey in hand when Remus stumbled over to him, holding a just-emptied glass, spotted the drink in Sirius's hand, and said, "Oh good, more," and grabbed it and drank it down in one. Sirius watched Remus, surprised, yet amused. Remus never drank. "Don't you think you've had enough, mate?" he said, the corners of his mouth twitching slightly. "Not nearly. But I've been looking for you. There's something I wanna tell you," Remus said, swaying slightly. "Yeah?" said Sirius, cocking one eyebrow, and Remus kissed him full on the mouth. The common room fell silent, and Sirius pulled back, shocked. "What are you doing? There are people everywhere," he hissed. "Oh, damn it all," said Remus, and he kissed him again. Sirius kissed him back this time, and the room erupted in cheers, amongst some jeers of, "Fags," and "Queers." But for the first time, Remus didn't mind. He loved Sirius, and that was all that mattered.

As they walked down the corridors, hand in hand, the next day, Sirius looked over and asked Remus, "So…any regrets?" He was afraid that it had just been the firewhiskey that had driven Remus the night before. But Remus looked over and smiled, "Not a single one."


End file.
